God Ordained Families

On the second Sunday of November, Orphan Sunday,  much is said regarding the plight of the orphan.  There are statistics showing the overwhelming number of orphans in the world and stories about the individual child who has beat the odds and been adopted into a loving home.

There are articles that describe both the pain and the joy that come with adoption, along with the angst of adoptive mothers or fathers who have wrestled with the pros and cons and are undecided on how their child will eventually feel about their own grafting into a family.

Our own family has adopted 3 times and I have gone through some of the darkest seasons of my soul. I have witnessed a child self destruct and pull down his family in the process. I have seen the untold battles, no, the wars which left gaping wounds. I have wondered, "God, how will this turn out? Will we survive?"

As president of a nonprofit which advocates for orphans and adoption, I am saddened when parents become "real" and state that they are not sure adoption is the answer to the problem of children who are without a family to care for them. This may seem counter-intuitive considering what we have been through, but I believe these are two very separate things. Children from hard places, children who have been through trauma need stable families.

Imagine the 3 year old abandoned in a foreign country. Or imagine the 5 year old who daily feels the neglect left by drug addicted parents. Now, imagine these children as teenagers after spending 10+ years in this state of turmoil, loss, and emotional darkness. There was no one who stepped into their chaos. No one who stepped into their mess.

Regarding my children, one would have been pushed out of state institutional care to fend for himself at 14. One would be sent to an institution for the disabled to live the rest of their life. One would end up lost, addicted and repeating the abuse cycle.

How do I know this? I guess I don't with 100% certainty, but the statistics bear this out.  A child who is not shown love and does not know the safety of a family is certain to live a life of pain.

So, how do we reconcile the facts? How do we approach adoption knowing that children, if they had a choice, might not choose a new family knowing they would have to give up blood, culture, language? I think we look to God, the author of adoption, the creator of families and ask "What has He ordained?" 

• Was it God or I who put adoption in my heart? 
• Was it God or I who showed me the boy half way across the world? 
• Was it God or I who gave me experiences with pain so I would know what she felt? 
• Was it God or I who put compassion in my heart to see what He saw? 
• Was it God or I who made me fall in love with a sheet of facts (not even a picture)? 
• Was it God or I who woke me up at night knowing there was a child crying out for a mommy?

IT WAS NOT ME, and I'm so glad it wasn't, because if it had been me, I would have given up! I would have run away! I would have thought maybe adoption wasn't the answer, maybe this child would have done o.k. in foster care, or in an institution, or in an abusive home!

If I could tell you one thing about adoption it is this: It is a God ordained way to put a child right where he wants them; just like birth. They don't choose, we don't choose. He does the choosing and to Him be the glory. Great things he has done!

Good, Good Father

Father's day was here and celebrated. All the wonderful photos of dads with young kids or adults with aging dads. I shared a picture of my husband with my son, himself a dad of two young children, who is one of seven. But there are many people who don't have a good father image to post.  Their father wasn't very involved in their life or maybe he was absent altogether.  I have heard that it is harder to accept a loving heavenly father when the earthly one left a lot to be desired. I can understand how this idea makes sense, yet God is such a great provider that it seems to me the lack of an earthly father would make it easier to run to the heavenly one. This notion comes from my husband's and my adoption experience.
    Two of our children, adopted from orphanages oversees, have no recollection of a mother or a father. I'm not sure what they were told as young children but because of a complete lack of a parent there was an intense longing for one. When introduced to me in a governmental office, my 7 year old son was hesitant and shy; however, when introduced to his dad "This is your daddy," He ran headlong into his arms surprising us all. This is how we need to respond to God.  Even those who may have a warped image of fatherhood must recognize the One who has come to get him and bring him home.
     Romans 8: 15 states You have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but you have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, "Abba, Father!" What were they fearing? Maybe chief among them was the fear of being left, deserted, abandoned. God the Father does none of these. In fact he has done the opposite: He sent Jesus to find us, carry us and deliver us safely to the father's presence.  Dwell on that picture a moment: the God of the universe is your Daddy who stands with open arms waiting for you to run into them.

Orphan Sunday

On this day when we recognize the lives of orphans and pray for a solution, I want to share some thoughts on my family's recent adoption of our 8 year old daughter from China.
1) God has, is and always will be in control of rescuing the orphan. Man plans his ways but the Lord directs his path. God is not interested in our heroic ideas he only wants humble willing hearts.
2) A fragile, scared child will react in various ways. Some will be on your radar and some will take you completely by surprise. As parents we need to not let the child know we may be horrified by something they've said or done.
3) God asks us to do hard things not because he wants us to struggle but because he is forming us into his likeness.
4) A medically fragile child will test you the same as a healthy child. We as parents need to be willing to look at the whole need of the child not just the physical.
5) Adoption Will always involve loss and sacrifice. Even in a bad situation, the child has bonds. We need to acknowledge these and let the child remember any positives even if they seem somewhat fantasized. How would we like to only have the horrible to remember?
6) Comparisons are not bad even if we as parents are on the short side. The child is processing ideas, relationships and feelings. In my daughters world sometimes American is not a welcoming place and Chinese food is better. Some days I feel this way too.
7) Many years from now the important things will be "did you love me enough to hold me while I walked a very difficult road?" And "did you believe in me?"

Sharing Our Most Recent Adoption Story

The Beautiful Mess

This post is not a feel good post and I probably won't purposely share except on those sites where other parents have felt called to adopt and know the risks and struggles of choosing to go where others don't and the possibility that there won't be a "happily ever after" this side of heaven. We chose to add another child to our full family, we chose to adopt an older child, we chose to say yes to a child with a severe handicap and we chose to go to the other side of the world. Because of this most people feel we have no reason to complain (it was our decision) and no reason to expect that others will help with anything other than prayers. (Sorry if I offended but that's the way it is) I write this post simply because most adoption posts show the ups without the downs. We all want to encourage adoption and so are careful not to show the cracks. I am an advocate for adoption and have always been careful to keep it positive but now I realize that it isn't right to show potential adoptive parents only the good. We love all our kids but as with all things, there is good and bad and if you are on the journey of adoption, it is harder to parent or take the leap if you feel alone. So this is one mom's account of the journey which was a little way from the ideal.

Both my husband and I felt unprepared before we left due to the special need our daughter has (brittle bones.) We didn't know what condition our daughter would be in when we met her, or if she would need medical care while we were in country. How would we toilet, bathe and transfer her with all the traveling? We took a big breath and got on that airplane.

Once we met our daughter, the stress and our doubts about our ability to parent this child increased. We never doubted our ability to love her; that was a given and immediate, however, once back at the hotel we began to notice that this "sweet girl" as noted on all her paperwork, had more issues than her medical need. She displayed multiple twitches and facial ticks. We reasoned that they could be due to the fact that she was in a room with severely developmentally disabled children and was mirroring what she saw. But they were so frequent that we could not rule out a neurological problem. We looked for signs the 2nd day that they weren't as severe as the previous day but might have been looking too hard. Along with this was the surprise we had that this new daughter had not been taught anything: not discipline, not manners, not self-control. The first week I was peed on, spit on, slapped, pinched and bit. If you've ever seen the movie "Helen Keller" you have an idea of what I mean.

Being "In country" and having a guide does not mean that you have an allie. We tried to share with our guide some of our doubts looking for reassurance, we even contacted our agency's facilitator who asked me if everything was all right? to which I replied that we were nervous. At this point we were on day 2 and in the middle of our adoption process at the governmental office. What could we do but forge ahead? Our guide either didn't understand our questions or was trying to avoid them (what was she to do?) At one point I told her we had to walk outside and couldn't stay in the hotel room. She asked why and I tried to explain about the twitching and the slapping but there was no response or advice. We hoped that when we visited the orphanage the next day we would understand more of where she came from and an explanation of some of her behaviors and this would help us with empathy and maybe an epiphany of some kind.

Our daughter seemed excited to go back to the orphanage even though the day was rainy and dreary. She led the way through the maze of halls and into the elevator. I remember being shocked at how run down the orphanage looked since it was built in 2000 and had been "state of the art." The floor tiles were chipped and there were cracks in the walls. Nothing could have prepared me for the room she led us to, the one she had called home for more than 2 years. There were about 15 children; some laying flat in wheelchairs that reclined, some in pens (sorry, I can't call them play pens) and a couple sitting or standing waiting to be fed. There was a lead nanny who spoke to us while 2 helpers shoveled food into the mouths of these very disabled children. All these children deserve families and were being cared for but all I could think of was Why did you place our daughter here??? I politely asked the question and was told she wouldn't have been safe from breaks if she had been in with more healthy children. My husband and I now understood her facial ticks and mannerisms to be learned behaviors but we both felt sick to our stomachs. There was no smiles or communications of familiarity between our daughter and any of the Ayis; she didn't want to share their lunch, only show us her crib and look for her friend.

We walked down a few more halls to a couple classrooms where some type of activity was being given to some of the more mildly disabled kids were. Her friend, a 15 year old boy came out to have a picture with her. Whether he was shy or uncomfortable I don't know but he only said hello and looked off into the distance as we took thier picture. There was no conversation between them though apparently they had been close enough for him to cry upon her leaving the home. We hope he was as a big brother to her but we will probably never know.

After another day of sightseeing, we were off to the airport to navigate cancelled flights, bus rides and pushy crowds despite our agency saying that we wouldn't have a repeat of our experience of 5 years ago (it was an exact replica except for the fact that this time I was carrying a handicapped child and praying I wouldn't drop her.) Once in a new city we hoped things would look up and we would have the chance to be with other adoptive families who could share our struggle. Our guides were again blasé about anything negative we tried to communicate. We did see other families at our medical appointment and the U.S. consulate with which we communicated our basic and common stories: where we were from, age of child, name of agency and that it was going o.k. But with the exception of one dad who had a crying boy attached to his leg and looked like he had been in a cat fight, the other families seemed to be bonding well.

Each day we saw slight improvements; there was a request for a hug or kiss or she would hold my hand as we wheeled her down the many streets.These would then be followed by a pinch, screach or spit when we told her no to something. We were thankful that medically she was doing well and we didn't have to use the splints or diapers we had brought. We were thankful that she was spunky and didn't let her bent legs stop her from scooting all around the hotel room. These traits would help her with all she was going to have to face in the coming weeks and months. Yet we mourned the loss of cuddles and the inability of her accepting us as authority figures. Even at one point shaking her head no to our "love you."

Now we are home and beginning to settle in. She was very excited to see her siblings whom she had been skyping with for 2 weeks. She took in the new home, dogs and all with a brave can-do attitude. She has still told me no and slapped me and we probably have a long road ahead of us both physically and emotionally. I guess my reason for posting is because our first international adoption was so positive and though we knew this would be different we were not prepared for what we saw as rejection. I expect that a year from now I will have more positives than negatives to share; however, I hope I have the courage to tell prospective parents the whole truth: adoption involves both beauty and sacrifice.

New Year-What Now?

Happy New Year. There is a lot to enjoy about a new year: a fresh page to write on, a clean slate, new possibilities. Yet most people don't know how to utilize their writing utensils; they expect the writing to be done as if by magic or they ask God to do the painting. While we should have the will of God in the forefront of whatever we endeavor, He expects us to use the pen he has given us. It's called living intentionally.

Intentional living is looking at goals and walking towards them. If you want to have kids that Love the Lord, you need to know what that looks like, what actions make it happen and then begin to do those things.
Do you want to live for God? Then you need to know him and his calling on your life. If you have felt compelled in your past to start a bible study, go on a mission trip or help the homeless but never took a step in that direction, you must do the things that will get you there: call your pastor, set aside money, take a class etc.

This could be the year you see God do amazing things. It will not be because he hasn't been doing them all along. It Will be because you are walking towards his plan.

Happy 2016!
Be The One to Live Intentionally.

Being Brave

Recently I was rereading the book Number The Stars to my sons when I noticed a parallel between the story and adoption. For those who haven't read it, the story is set in Denmark during the Nazi occupation. There are two families: one Jewish and their best friends who are not. The plot revolves around the Christian family trying to help the Jewish family escape. The young girl who is the main character asks her adult relatives many questions and she is told  "It is easier to be brave if you don't know everything."

This resonated with me because the same is true of adoption. If we knew all the facts of a child before we committed, we might never commit. It is good to go into an adoption with your eyes wide open and knowing as much as you can, but at some point you have to walk by faith and take a blind leap. I remember when I first called Dr. Number 1 ( a referral from someone) to look over our "potential" son's medical file. She reviewed the file and then gave me every worst case scenario concerning what the boy might require both medically and psychologically.  While I appreciated her honesty about all the unknowns, I quickly decided she wasn't the right doctor for me. I wanted someone who saw the possibilities in the child.

Having adopted before and having gone to countless trainings, I knew the negative consequences of living in a foreign orphanage or foster care. The problem is that there were so many unknowns and we couldn't prepare for all of them. I didn't believe God wanted us to know everything before saying "yes" to the child. We knew he was parent-less, we knew he had been in the orphanage for 5 plus years and we knew his medical diagnosis. Beyond these facts, we had to be Brave and pray that God was leading us and he would provide everything we would need.

The story ends with the young girl helping her friends avoid detection because she could not give away what she didn't know.  And our story?  Our son is healthy without any signs of the original diagnosis let alone imagined ones. 

Be The One to be Brave.

When Our Kids Mess Up

Over the last couple weeks one of our children fell into a sinful act on 2 occasions. I say fell because as far as I know it wasn't something that he was prone to or had been struggling with. I won't elaborate on the what but I will say it took my husband and I by surprise. It felt like we had been sucker punched and we were left speechless because it wasn't on our radar. So what were we to do; our normally compliant child had crossed over a few lines and their response to our "why?" was a typical, "I don't know."

So.... We aren't perfect parents raising perfect kids. Duh, we knew this but usually we feel we have a pretty good handle on things and it will all turn out o.k. in the end. But, what if our parenting results in kids who keep failing at what we are trying to teach them? What if we wake up every morning from now to retirement saying, "Maybe this will be the day it will be better?"

Searching for the answer I had to go back to what I know is true because the devil was trying so hard to tell me that this "adoption experiment" was failing. He was telling me that my husband and I, with our love, encouragement and discipline, had kids that fell. Luckily the bible is clear on a few things.

1. We all have fallen short of the glory of God. (Rom. 3:23)
Jesus said that anyone who breaks one of the laws is the same as if he broke the whole law. The kind of sin is not as important as what we do next. As parents who have fallen multiple times ourselves, we must let the child know that their actions are the result of a "sin" problem not the result of them being bad. They need to realize that this "sin" problem is why Jesus came into the world and died. They need to understand that Jesus is the answer to whatever "sin" problem they have.

2. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from All unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)
We, as parents, need to make sure our kids understand that God has a plan for them and when they fall, they only need to repent in order to know forgiveness. They don't need to carry around the shame of their sin for the next 10 years. We parents need to remember that if God has forgiven and forgotten All of their acts, we must do no less. We have to move on; not being naive, but not dredging up a past event.

3. Work out your salvation with fear and trembling. (Phil. 2:12)
All of us struggle with certain sin areas in our life. We may struggle with anger, pride, vanity, lying etc. The struggle is not the sin. We have a savior who is with us and who has overcome sin. Knowing your weakness is half the battle; the other half is the "working it out." I tell my children where they have strength and where they have weakness so they can prepare themselves for the next temptation that comes their way. Talk to your children when they are not in a time of struggle and let them know again that they are loved and you are praying for them, but it is up to them to work on these areas.

I have learned much recently about God. I knew that he was a Good Father and that his love has been rejected many times by those he loves, but I had forgotten that All of his chosen children, those of us who call ourselves "Christians" still Fall everyday. The good news is that we, like our children, will wake up one day and find that the struggle is over and that we are with Christ.

Be The One